The Crazed Heifer first appeared in Knightmare in Season 4. Its location was toward the end of Level 1. For this season alone, the dungeoneer would first appear standing outside of the building. Music could be heard playing from within. As in the above picture, the team would often encounter a pooka, once referred to as 'some sort of ghoul' by an advisor.

Once inside the building, it quickly became apparent that that it was a tavern. For Season 4, characters found within the Heifer were Motley and Mellisandre, and a silent appearence from Mistress Goody in one Quest. Treguard believed the Heifer contained a 'wealth of information', and often, he was proven to be right with Melly and Motley giving help and advice in return for something from the dungeoneer. Melly also introduced her co-workers in one quest, with Milly as the drinks waitress and Molly as the food waitress. Although the locals often seemed to get rather cross with the presence of a dungeoneer, the Heifer was far from a dangerous place to be.

The Crazed Heifer returned in future seasons, making its final appearance in Season 7, although no one made reference to its name after Season 4. Its shift of location in Season 5 seemed to arouse Treguard's interest, and with so much shifting that season you could not blame him.

Lord Fear once told Sylvester Hands off for 'boozing it up at the Mad Cow'. As 'Crazed Heifer' and 'Mad Cow' have a lot in common with each other, perhaps the tavern was renamed after Season 4?

During Season 6 Sylvester Hands invited Alan for a drink at 'the Inn' (yet not named as the Crazed Heifer) under the pseudonym of Coonan the Vegetarian. Once there, Hands got steadily more and more intoxicated, believing that he had accidentally drunk Alan's ale.

By Season 7, barmaid Marta had taken over from Mellisandre, performing much the same duties as the latter mentioned did, including having a desire for local gossip.

As a snippet of extra trivia, the music heard inside the Heifer during Season 4 has been heard in the Tower of London by a few observant Knightmare fans.

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From TES issue 49 (January 2008)

Series 4/5/6/7. Level 1/2.
THE CRAZED HEIFER

This inn, which Pickle described as a notorious gathering place for thieves and fellow travellers, featured quite prominently in level one during the last three quests of series 4. Arriving at what appeared to be an old cottage in the woods, Dickon, Jeremy and Giles found there was no choice but to enter the open front door, particularly as each of them was being molested by a pooka at the time. Inside The Crazed Heifer, we were treated to the sight of a traditional, oak-beamed, medieval inn, with plenty of tables full of customers drinking themselves silly, a door at the back that presumably led up to the bedrooms, and a set of stairs leading down into the cellar, which also acted as the exit from this room. I’m not sure where the actual bar was located, but there we go…

The members of staff at The Crazed Heifer during series 4 were Millie [Milly], who provided the food, Molly, who provided the drinks, Mellie [Melly], who provided the information, and Motley, who provided the entertainment. Dickon was able to exchange a bit of information with Mellisandre in order to ensure safe passage through Oakley’s glade, while Jeremy and Giles both picked up a useful bit of magic from Motley. The Crazed Heifer was a very nice medieval setting to include in series 4, and was the site of a few memorable moments, including Motley getting pelted with rotten cabbages when the punters didn’t like his jokes!

The Crazed Heifer returned for an appearance in series 5, although the jaunty music that used to pervade the air (which you can hear to this day at one point along the Wall Walk at the Tower of London, and is often used on programmes like ZigZag) was no longer present. Motley was on hand once more (”This is The Crazed Heifer, so I think we know who the resident entertainer is!” – Treguard) to help dungeoneer Chris pick up a useful scroll clue. He needed quite a lot of help, too!

In series 6, The Crazed Heifer made a further appearance, as the setting for a meeting between dungeoneer Alan and his new friend, Sylvester Hands. Fortunately, Sly was too drunk to present much of a threat to the dungeoneer, and Ridolfo soon appeared and chased Hands off with his sword, before giving Alan the causeway code in exchange for a musical scroll.

The Crazed Heifer made two final appearances in series 7, although Lord Fear once referred to the inn as The Mad Cow, which is, of course, a name synonymous with the establishment’s given name – maybe it was a kind of nickname used by the punters. Marta was on hand on both occasions to trade information with the dungeoneer and Sylvester Hands appeared once as well, completing Paul Valentine’s full set of appearances in The Crazed Heifer at some point during all four of its series.

Difficulty: 5 The friendly staff will part with information, for a price!
Killer Instinct: 1 Much vital knowledge was learned here.
Gore Factor: 4 Well, the place did look a bit grotty!
Fairness: 10 A very nice room to include, and a useful source of food and information.

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One of the areas of the Surrounds roleplay forum. Located within Wolfenden, and based upon the Crazed Heifer from Knightmare (see above). The tavern owner has been named as Owen Vartern, and named employees (past and present) include Drassandre, Slevela, Lanesra, Etrusca, Motley, Zyssa and Young Grimwold. There's also a resident piper, now revealed to be a brainwashed Folly, who plays familiar anachronistic tunes. The resident cat is Bethsemane, and patrons have included Kully, Sylvester Hands and the Brollachan. The Crazed Heifer has often had to compete against the Wolf's Howl Inn for business, and has seen several outbreaks of violence, not all of them drunken.

[Originally posted: 2004-11-05 04:28:44]

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It is more common for KM characters to inspire Knightmare Discussion Forum members' names than it is for KM locations to do so, but the latter does occur. Corridor of Blades and Trial by Spikes are examples of this. Another example comes from a Knightmare fan named Gavin, who joined the forum in July 2004. His username was crazedheifer, though oddly he chose Crazedhefer as his screen name. The West Yorkshireman introduced himself as follows:

'I have been a massive (and I mean MASSIVE) fan of Knightmare since my very earliest memories of it as a 5-year old. I've actually been visiting the forum as a guest for several years and have wanted to join but never got round to it ... until now. I am looking forward to becoming part of what is obviously a widespread and enthusiastic community.'

Crazedhefer has made 17 posts to date, on such topics as Hordriss ('Hordriss was at his best when he was totally neutral and dungeoneers had to tread carefully when meeting him'), Knightmare VR ('The visuals look impressive and suitably atmospheric') and KM series endings ('I have always felt that the series 7 ending was the best').

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